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The Cat Playbook I - The Basics

The new cat arrived, all kitten and cute.
The older cat said nothing-perfectly mute.
The kitten tried eagerly to break up the ice,
Purring and bunting and being all nice.

The older cat warmed and finally said, 
"Little one, there's much not yet in your head.
Come let me teach you, so you'll never fail
And a real cat you'll be, deserving your tail."

The little cat sat, rapt in attention,
Eager to hear all the old cat would mention.
"First thing is first-know the best treats.
Never do tricks, make them beg at your feet."

"Sleep is essential-there is never enough-
It is overrated to be active and tough.
Everywhere is a nap opportunity.
This is well known in the cat community."

"Though we may live isolated in a tall, city flat,
We aren't alone-there's a whole lot of cats!
Look out the window!  See tuxedos and tabbies.
There are more cats in the city than doormen and cabbies!"

"How do words carry? How do we talk?
Unknown to humans, for surely they'd mock.
I'm happy to teach you, it's our own invention.
Every cat must be taught, as a means of convention."

"We call it 'Norse Code'..." but Young Cat interrupted.
Surely "Morse Code" somehow got corrupted
Into "Norse Code" in the older cat's brain?
"I know what I mean," the Old Cat explained.

"It is called 'Norse Code', I am sure about that!
Derived from Maine Coons-the Vikings of Cats!
Now hush as I teach you, or you'll never learn
And your tail and your whiskers, you never will earn."

Young Cat sat contrite, sharply rebuked.
And continued to listen, as Old Cat regrouped.
He explained all the symbols to make with the paw
To share notes on birds, or squirrels they saw.

Next were more basics, the way cats should act
Around all their humans, from an old, ancient pact.
"When it comes time to sleep, lay right on their heads,
Or lay down between them, then go ahead-spread!

"Wait til the humans are asleep in their bed,
Then jump on the counters!  And don't forget-shed!
Find a large bottle or plate, made out of glass.
Knock it down off the counter, with a BOOM and a CRASH!"

"If you live with a dog, make sure to annoy.
Sleep in his bed, chew all his toys.
And if a hairball comes up, to keep your cat cred,
Make sure you throw up right on their bed."

"At dawn wake them up, with a wail and a howl.
Scare them so much, they move all their bowels!
Be a Grumpy Cat-they all love a grouch.
And no scratching post-tear up the couch!"

And right at that moment, the human walked in.
Kitten jumped up, ran in front of their shins.
The human cursed loud as his face and floor met.
Old Cat just grinned, "There is hope for you yet"
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